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Welcome to Newfie Jokes page, if you have a good Newfie Joke that would qualify as the Joke of the week, e-mail it to us, after reviewing it, we may post it as the joke of the week. Note: Although jokes are at someones expense about 95% of the time, any jokes sent that are too degrading or insulting to Newfoundlanders will not be posted. Humour can be great without ignorance.

Joke of the Week

The Night Before Christmas in Newfoundland

T'was the night before Christmas, all hands was in bed, Enough noise goin' on to wake up the dead
Long stockings and vamps were nailed to the wall, With girt four-inch nails so ne'er one would fall.
The youngsters were jumping up and down on the bed, T'inkin' 'bout the presents he hid in the shed
Mudder in the kitchen was washin' her hair, And I was sot down wit' a glass full of cheer.
When out in the yard I heard such a noise, I said "Put on the soup-dat must be the boys."
Away to the window I started to race, Tripped over the two kittens and fell on me face.
The moon and the stars shone down on the snow, It's s'pose to be that way, it's Christmas you know
When what to me bloodshot eyes should appear, But a queer lookin' Santa without his reindeer.
Long rubbers, red suit, and a beard on his jaws, I said to the missus, that's not Sanny Claus
When I opened the door to see what was the matter, I seen 'im climb on the porch wit' me ladder.
Now the roof of the house was covered with snow, But he sang and he danced and he bawled out "HO, HO"
He tripped up in the chimney when I looked around, I saw him and the chimney squat up on the ground.
He was soot and snow from his head to his feet, But he started to come 'round when he got in the heat
He walked in wit' me chimney and sot on a chair, And the youngsters started screechin', "Santa is here!"
There was icicles hangin' from eyebrows and nose, So he sot by the stove cause his face was half froze,
He took off his boots to warm up his feet, While mudder was fixin' him somethin' to eat
With a wink of his eyes and a nod of his head, He ate t'ree bowls of soup and six slices of bread
He spoke not a word 'till he finished his scoff, Said t'anks to the missus, now I gotta take off.
With the side of his finger he wiped off his nose, And asked for a face clot to clean off his clothes,
Sorry 'bout the chimney he said with a laugh, When I fell down on top of 'em, I broke 'en in half.
He left in a hurry as quick as he came, We never got the chance to ask him his name
But I heard 'en bawl out as he put on his boot, "Merry Christmas to all and t'anks for the soup!".

Guiness

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan
arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to
tell ya." "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But
where's my husband?" "That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda.
There was an accident down at the Guiness brewery..." "Oh, God no!" cries
Brenda. "Please don't tell me..." "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is
dead and gone. I'm sorry." Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it
happen, Tim?" "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guiness
Stout and drowned." Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim.
Did he at least go quickly?" "Well, no Brenda... no." "No?" "Fact is, he
got out three times to pee."


High Octane-OK 

Bud and Jim were a couple of Newfie drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Gander, NFLD. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Bud said, "Man, wish we had something to drink!" 
Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?" So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed. 
The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! 
Then the phone rings...It's Jim. Jim says, "Hey, how do you 
feel this morning?" Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?" 
Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?" Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often." 
"Yeah, well there's just one thing..."
"What's that?" 
"Have you farted yet?"
"No....." "Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in TORONTO!!!


The Newfie Mountie:


Two men are driving through Newfoundland when they get pulled over by a
Newfie Mountie. The mountie walks up and taps on the window with his
nightstick, the driver rolls down the window and "WHACK", the Mountie smacks
him in the head with the stick.
The driver says, "what the hell was that for?"
The Mountie says, "You're in Newfoundland my son. When we pulls you over,
you better have your license ready when we get to your car."
The driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here."
The Mountie runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the
guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the
window. The passenger rolls down the window and "WHACK", the Mountie smacks
him up side the head with the nightstick too.
The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"
The Mountie says, "Just making your wish come true."
The Passenger says, "huh?"
The Mountie says, "I knows that two miles down the road you're gonna say, "I
wish that asshole would've tried that shit with me!"


A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to a Newfoundlander on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives. "Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me." "Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man." When the Newfoundlander remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?" "Jest the once b'y!" he replied. "Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?" The Newfoundlander replied "She said, Don't Stop George, Don't Stop!."


Submitted by: Jody Cleary, be sure to check out Jody's website http://nerkberk.tripod.ca


Through the pitch-black night in St John's Harbor, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: "Change your course 10 degrees east."
The light signals back: "Change yours, 10 degrees west."
Angry, the captain sends: "I'm a navy captain! Change your course, sir!"
"I'm a seaman, second class," comes the reply. "Change YOUR course, sir."
Now the captain is furious. "I'm a battleship! I'm not changing course!"
There is one last reply. "I'm a lighthouse. Your call."


Clocks in Heaven.....
A Well-Know Liberal Senator from Newfoundland died and went to heaven. 
As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him, and he asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the Senator, "who's clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie."

"Whose clock is that?"

"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice, telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life."

The Senator asked, "And Where's Brian Tobin's clock?"

"His clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."


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Here's and ad taken from The Telegram
(Newfoundland's Evening Telegram)


 
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a George Street tavern. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the street for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into.

He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night) flicked the blinkers on, then off, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road. 

The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken." 

"I doubt it," said the man. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy." 


A large contingent of Taliban troops was moving down a road in northern Afghanistan when they were startled by a voice from behind a sand dune. "One Newfoundlander is better than ten Taliban." The Taliban commander selects ten of his toughest troops and sends them over the dune. Gunfire and screams ensue and then...silence.

"One Newfoundlander is better than one hundred Taliban," the voice from behind the dune exclaims. Furious, the Taliban commander sends 100 of his battle-hardened troops over the dune. Again gunfire and screams and again... silence.

"One Newfoundlander is better than one thousand Taliban," the voice proclaims. The enraged Taliban commander musters an elite thousand-man force and sends them over the dune. Gunfire, explosions, screams fill the air as the battle is fought. Then...silence.

Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and cries out. "Don't send any more men, it's a trap! There are two of them!"


There once was an American who decided to write a book about famous church's around the world. For his first chapter he decided to write about Canadian church's. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Vancouver, thinking that he would work his way across the country from west to east.

One his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read, $10,000 per call. The American, being intrigued asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

The American's next stop was in Edmonton. There while at a very large cathedral he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Vancouver and he asked a nearby sister what it's purpose was. The sister told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. "O.K., thank you" said the American. 

The American traveled on to Calgary, Regina, Winnipeg, Toronto, Ottawa, Montreal, and Halifax and at every church he stopped at he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it, and every time the American asked a member of the church what the phone was for he got the same answer, "it's a direct line to heaven and for $10,000 you can talk to God." 

Finally the American arrived in St. John's, again he saw the same golden telephone but this time the sign under it read "$.10 per call." The American was intrigued and he told the church's minister, "Father, I have traveled all over Canada and I have seen this same golden telephone in many church's. I have found out that it is a direct line to heaven, but in all the other provinces the cost to call heaven was $10,000. Why is it so cheap here?" The minister smiled and answered, "You in Newfoundland now son, it's a local call."


The following jokes submitted by Jody Cleary, be sure to check out Jody's website http://nerkberk.tripod.ca

Shamus, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave the George Street Tavern and fell flat on his face. 
"Maybe all I needs is a little fresh air b'y" he said as he crawled outside. 
He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud. 
"Screw it," he says to himself. "I'll just crawl home." 
The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep. 
"You we're out drinking last night, weren't you Shamus?" she said. 
"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How'd you know?" 
"You left yer wheelchair at the bar again." 


George: Did you hear about the 4 taliban terrorists that's got caught in Newfoundland b'y?
Albert: G'wan b'y, how'd they gets caught?
George: Well the local's got Bin Sleepin', Bin Drinkin', Bin Fightin' down at the tavern, but they say they'll have a hard time finding the fourth, Bin Workin'.


Some links to Newfoundland Joke & Expression Pages

Newfoundland Joke Database

Newfoundland Humour

Newfie.Com

22 Minutes

Royal Canadian AirFarce

More Newfoundland Humour

 


Some Newfoundland words and their meanings


angishore - a weak, miserable person
arn - any
ballyrag - to abuse
bannikin - a small tin cup
barrisway - a lagoon at a rivermouth
bedlamer - a one year old seal
chucklehead - a stupid person
chinch - to stow tightly
clout - to hit an opponent hard
clobber - an untidy state of things
come-from-away - a tourist
doter - an old seal
douse - to give a quick blow
drung - a narrow, rocky lane
drook - a valley with steep wooded slopes
duff - pudding of flour, fat pork and molasses
dulse - a kind a seaweed
dudeen - a pipe
faddle - a bundle of firewood, fardel
flipper - a seal's forepaw
floaters - men who fished from the schooners
using cod traps rather than jiggers.
frape - a rope with blocks to moor a boat
funk - smoke or vapor of evil odour
gandy - a pancake
gulvin - the stomach of a codfish
gowdy - awkward
heft - to weigh in the hand
huffed - vexed
hummock - a small hill
jinker - one who brings bad luck
lashins - plenty
lolly - soft ice beginning to form in harbour
longers - rails for a fence
lops - small breaking seas
mauzy - misty


mush - porridge
narn - none
nish - tender, easily injured
planchen - the floor
prise - a lever
prog - food
puddock - stomach
rawny - very thin, bony
scrawb - to tear with the nails
scut - a dirty, mean person
scruff - the back of the neck
sish - ice broken into particles by surf
slob - ice newly frozen
shule - to move away backwards
smidge - a stain
sloo - to get out of the way
slieveen - a deceitful person
squabby - soft as jelly
squish - sound of waters exuding from boots
spile - a peg for a hole in the cask
swatch - to shoot seals in pools amid icefloes
swig - to drink from a bottle
switchel - cold tea
teeveen - a patch on a boat
titivate - to adorn exceedingly fine
tole - to entice with bait
traipse - to walk around unnecessarily
truck - payment for fish by merchandise
tuckamore - a low clump of trees
twig - to catch a meaning
wattle - a small slim fir
yarry - rising early, alert
yaffle - an armful of dried fish
yer - here
yap - to retort angrily

Know of any more Newfoundland words we could add:
E-Mail them to us!


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